In a recent conversation with a friend, she suggested that I also look into speed dating… which isn’t a bad idea really. Except I had to guiltily admit that I had already been to a couple of them… specifically CHINESE speed dating. “Well in that case, maybe you should write about that too”, she added.
So in order do that, let us rewind to quite a while back… to one of my first conversations with French-speaking Josh about dating, he had made a very good point: “You’re looking for a Chinese girl? How about getting off the internet and actually getting yourself some Chinese friends, you bellend!… Or how about Chinese Speed Dating or something”. There is such thing as Chinese Speed Dating??? A quick search on Google confirmed such a thing existed in London… And there were events coming up!
And so when the time came, I dragged my friend, reluctant Ricky, along for the ride. I say reluctant not because he’s not Chinese (he is), not because he’s not single (he is), not because he lacks confidence with women (he does just fine), but because Ricky most definitely prefers English girls! It’s for another story, but he seems to actively avoid BBC Girls… claims they all afflicted with 公主病.
I’m sure if you’re reading this, you know exactly what Speed Dating is, but just in case... You get 3 minutes with each girl before moving on, and mark on your scorecard whether you liked them: Yes, No, or Friends (i.e. “not sure about this one, let’s stay in touch just in case”). Obviously mutual matching will result in contact details being passed on by the organisers… Got that? A small sampling of my experiences below:
Stage 1: Warm Up
A gentle introduction to Ying. Seemed happy and friendly, Cantonese-BBC, fine to talk to. That was exactly the introduction to speed dating I wanted and to be honest, the only thing stopping me from putting a Yes for was I didn’t really know what everybody else was like and didn’t want to end up putting yes for everyone, and looking very desperate. Want British-born Chinese girls? Well, here they are! Stage 1 defeated, with consummate ease. PERFECT!
Stage 2: The Brainbox
Another easy stage, I must’ve set the difficulty to Beginner or something. Brainbox was a lovely girl… not my cup of tea physically, but extremely easy and friendly to chat to. American-Chinese PhD lady, but not intellectually intimidating, easily one of the best short conversations I’d had in a while. That one did actually result in some dates… Pfft, this speed dating stuff's easy: A definite Yes… Another PERFECT,
Stage 3: A Challenger From Distant Lands
Meet Karen, who was… … …Hang on a sec... Something's not right!?!
We're at a Chinese speed dating event, in which most of the people were I’d guess aged 24 – 35. And Chinese… And this middle aged Caucasian woman had turned up. I have to say it took balls (not literally) for her to come to this event, though I couldn’t help enquiring: “Do you mind me asking? I’ve got no problem with it, but erm... How come you’ve come to a Chinese speed dating event?” To be honest, there was that much conversation I can’t remember the answer, but I did put F(riend) for her.
I found out a few days later when results came through, that she’d actually ticked Y(es) for me. And then even more bizarrely I got an email later that day along the lines of: “Hey there, Banana. Sorry about this, but I accidentally ticked Yes for you, but I didn’t mean it and there’s been a mix-up. Apologies, I'm not interested in you”… What?!?
... Woah woah woah!!! Let me get this right… So I: a devastatingly handsome hunk of Yorkshire-Chinese steel, am being rejected by you: a middle-aged lady whose best years are clearly behind her??? Sheesh, definitely a dating low-point!
Stage 4: Another World Warrior
Did you know that Mauritius has a sizeable minority of Hakka-Chinese folk? I did not.
So folks speak Creole over in Mauritius, once described by a Mauritian friend as “French with attitude”… Add in the Chinese, and you get what I would describe as something of a hybrid accent, between French North-African, South Asian, and something else.
Meet Fong, she looked Chinese but whenever she spoke English, the bizarre accent meant words never seemed to come out the way I expected. So I thought that by switching to my broken-Hakka, maybe I could dazzle her with some of my skillz… Ah no, alas not. You see… I now know that Mauritian-Hakka is basically nothing like my brand of Hakka; it was pretty much a completely different dialect. Let’s just say that Fong was friendly but quite definitely unimpressed by my efforts, and I beat a hasty retreat with tail between legs.
Miserable fail. As affirmed by the No I got.
Stage 5: The Red Herring
“I have a boyfriend. I’m here to support my friend over there… have you met her?”
Well... Clearly, I hadn’t met her, since she was next in line. Her friend was also not someone I was particularly attracted to, but hey ho… As much as I just luuurrrvved hearing all about her boyfriend, there's 3 minutes of my life I won't be getting back!
Stage 6: Glamourpuss
Air hostess with Cathay Pacific, flies between Hong Kong and England; I gotta say, it would be pretty awesome getting out to HK on such a regular basis. Although I honestly think long-haul cabin crew have the patience of saints; some of the crap I’ve seen those guys put up with and still smile! Nonetheless, Jenny had her Air Hostess Smile™ well honed and she certainly looked the part… Just to clarify, what I’m saying here, is that she was fit.
Interestingly, Jenny was more than a pretty face: also a food blogger, had a degree in something clever-sounding, into current affairs and had an opinion on political matters (I know I’m being a geek, but that's a big plus in my books), and basically seemed cool. I did get a follow-up date from her although her constant flying schedules and my own ridiculous working pattern meant we never found time to meet again.
Stage 7: Bonus Stage
Next up was Lily: The first thing I noticed was her lovely smile and fringe. Another Cantonese-BBC, this time working in campaign management for the Vietnamese Tourism Board. We chatted mainly about her work and she was funny and easy-to-talk-to. We stayed in touch, and I’m happy to report that Lily is now a good friend, having become something of a dating confidante and adviser; a sister-on-the-inside giving me (mostly) solid dating advice… And generally reprimanding me for something or other (“You're too picky / too mean about that girl / too vain / too busy for dating / you haven't mentioned me in your blog etc etc etc”).
Final Boss: Megatron + Skeletor + Dr. Robotnik + A Really Hot Lady
Every once in a while you come across somebody who’s so damn hot, you kinda glance twice to make sure she isn’t some kind of photoshop creation, and then stare much longer than you should. Anyhow, so this girl, Red Dress, was absolutely stunning; she was by far and away the best looking woman I’d seen in a long time. Little red dress? Maybe a tad overdressed, but hey, I ain’t complaining! Come on then Banana, big smile, time for your A-game.
“Hello, my name’s Banana”.
I like to think that one of my strengths is my enthusiasm, and that most people I come across see that in me. It’s nice, because I often find that that helps to get others to open up more quickly too and facilitates all-round mutual niceness. Unfortunately Red Dress was totally immune to my charms.
The start of the conversation was just bloody rubbish… one-word answers, lack of eye contact, blank facial expression, general disinterest, that sort of thing. I did gather that Red Dress was from Shanghai, and did some big city finance gig. And seemingly in her own world. So that carried on for a while with me trying my best to carry the conversation… I reckon I could probably get more words from one of the Queen’s Guards, but what the hey, maybe she was just nervous. I can’t remember what I said exactly, but I mentioned one of my tenants hassling me earlier that day. Try and imagine the below exchange in as blunt and abrupt a tone as possible!
Red Dress: "Oh I see. So you are landlord?"
Banana: "Yeah, it’s a bit of hassle to be honest, I get tenants hassling me about all sorts. Earlier one of them was complaining to me that another tenant had been stealing his milk!"
Red Dress: "Do you drive?"
Banana: "Yes, do you? I can’t imagine it’s easy to switch from driving on the left to driving to the right, I was thinking about…"
Red Dress: "What car?"
Banana: "Umm… I… I drive an Audi. But as I was saying… urm… why do you ask? Are you into cars?"
Red Dress: "I want to know. What did you say you worked?"
Banana: "I work in sales, basically. Well, it’s not strictly speaking called that, but that’s in essence what I do."
Red Dress: "Do you earn a lot of money? How much do you earn?"
*About 5 seconds of silence whilst she started intently at me*
Banana: "… Umm... I do ok, thanks..."
*Pfeeeeeeee, went the whistle to move on*
I can’t really blame her for such a direct approach in finding the right man for her. But I can blame her for coming across as a bit of a money-grabbing, self-centred Princess… The only time she made prolonged eye contact was when she asked about my salary! I can’t understand somebody coming to a dating event only to be actively hostile to people… I actually came out of that more than a little unnerved. No more of that please!
And the Competition?
At this point I’d also take the opportunity to take a look at my fellow competitors… almost all Chinese dudes, a pretty good representation of the male Chinese spectrum. But the one that really got everyone’s attention… the Yang to the middle-aged Caucasian lady’s Yin… Was this ginormous Indian chap! He had curly hair, was easily a good 6’4, and strode about the place with the confidence of someone who fitted right in. This in itself was an odd sight, however the most ridiculous thing about it all was told to me later by Lily and another girl: our Indian friend had gone making some pretty mad claims about his line of work. Essentially telling everybody that his job was at the zoo… And that he had a very important and special role... ... ... caring for the baby Pandas?!?! There is the very slight possibility that he wasn’t bullshitting everyone, but it seems highly unlikely (baby Pandas in Britain usually make the news, right?)… And thus, I can only stand and admire that Indian man with the big balls… if you ever read this, please contact me as I’d love to buy you a beer.
Overall... Interesting!
As for the rest of the girls I met from these events, they fell somewhere in between the "dates" described above… generally being on the side of pleasant, rather than unpleasant. There were a few follow-up dates and some are now friends, but I’d mess up the blog chronology further by writing about those again.
As a general overview though, I have to say these are definitely interesting and fun events to go to, and I would recommend anyone to give it a go... Although I think most girls attend these for a laugh, rather than actually looking for a romantic partner. Still… I’ve met girls and gotten dates from stranger places than this!
Next!
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