How to Date Online: My Beginner's Guide

My Progress Thus Far

So I have signed up for a popular online dating site... I had a dig around on the internet for advice and chatted to a seasoned internet dating friend for the right approach. His response was "C'mon Banana Dater, you're in sales, it's just like cold calling... you've got to just keep throwing shit at the wall and see what sticks...". Nice.

Well, if you saw my last post, you'll know I'm trying to be a bit more specific... Nonetheless, after the search filters, you still need to take the time reading profiles and weeding out the ones who sound like morons. Then taking the time to think about an appropriately witty message. It's actually a pretty bloody painstaking process and quite depressing after a while; you sit there on a laptop tapping away messages to these "imaginary" people, because well, you can only really take their word for how they are like

Some Even Took The Bait

Turns out my action hero posturing and incredibly witty messages attracted a few unlucky ladies... not many mind you; my hit rate was a pretty measly, 3 responses for 13 messages. But that's a start, so some e-conversations get going over a couple of days. Mixed bag of people... an American-born Chinese ("ABC" as opposed to "BBC"), an English girl, a (China) Chinese girl.

No point boring you with the details, but over a few days, some messages back and forth, texting, emailing etc. I sent more messages to others, I got some responses. Some good some bad. I even got the odd first approach off girls (I know right? Look at me go!). Some weirdos, but that's for another day... And be warned, there are some right weirdos online.

Suffice to say, it did begin to get very tiresome. I assume Brad Pitt might fare slightly better, but I got some dismal hit rates; I'd guesstimate that even if you're sensible about who you message, for every 5 messages you might get one response. Then for all the ones who don't respond, you wonder why you spent so long reading and then constructing a message. It's nothing personal mind you; it'll be either they haven't actually paid for subscription (and therefore have no idea to message you back) or they just aren't interested. For comparison, a girl friend who used online dating told me that she would got around 5-10 unsolicited messages from new guys every day when she was on the same site previously.

Please Stop Writing This

Ladies. Having sifted through your profiles, let me reveal my findings about ALL of you:

• You're "new to this" or have been persuaded by friends. Because you know, nobody likes to admit they did it off their own back and want to find somebody to be with.
• Looking to meet a "nice guy with a sense of humour"? Yep, that's me. Thank God you're not looking for a right bastard, or I'd have had to rule myself out.
• "I like going out but am equally happy at home, chilling on the sofa / watching a film / with a glass of wine". EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SAYS THIS!
• You like travelling? Oh good. Have you been anywhere recently? No?
• Girls, I can be your "soulmate" AND your "partner in crime". How's that for ya?

Honestly, the best profiles worthy of a message are the ones that stand out a little and make me laugh, or just show a bit of real personality. I'll be honest in saying that I look at photos first like everybody else does (...No? Guess I'm just a superficial cad then), but a good, well-written profile is totally worthy of a message regardless of pics, and a crap write-up is enough to stop you wanting to message even Louise Redknapp (yes she is the fittest lady in the world).

The Deal is Sealed

After a few days of conversation, ABC girl agreed to meet up. Hooray!

Shit... what do I do now? I have a first date... if I tell her where we're going will she think I'm some male chauvinist pig? But then if I don't plan anything maybe she'll think I'm useless? I pick up the phone to my friends, sisters Rita and Sally; they're seasoned daters, so they must be able to remind me how things work.

After a long conversation with the Sisters, we settle on L’ETO Caffé on Wardour St, which isn't proper food and is not a bar so that's good, right? Casual enough that I can meet for a quick drink and chat and bail if it's really bad. The Sisters were going to be nearby that night anyway, so I could meet them after to debrief. I did happen to mention to some friends and colleagues over casual conversation that I'd be going on a first date. And I was advised strongly by all, to meet for 90 minutes at most and go after that. And under no circumstances, do you go for food, 'cos then you're trapped... if you like her, then say your goodbyes and then arrange Date 2 another day.

Game on.

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